♥kr!stalcore♥'s Journal

9:50pm:

new lj! add me!!

 

 

dramascene

 

also anyone want to redo the layout, i have forgotten how to do it.

8:51pm: practically my whole life i have been in my brothers shadow. he was always the good kid and i was always the fuck up. i was always compared to him, and i coudl never do anythign right next to him. over the years my famil;y just gave up on me and just practically started ignoring me. my "dad" didnt contact me for months at a time, and i found out he used to call my brother almost everyday. so now he has disowned me and i no longer exsist to him. people at work ignor me and dont even see how much i do for them. i go out of m way for them and i still dont get any recognitioin. i have done alot for many people in the past and it has gone unnoticed. so right now at this moment i am doing a 180, i am going to start putting myself in front of everyone else. i need to see what im capable of and start my own life. i am no longer careing about anyone but me(and of coarse shaun). im not my old self anymore. i dont act the same way. i dont have the same interests as i did before.6 months ago was the birth of a new kristal, a better kristal. i dont like my past so i am leaving it behind.i am making a new journal so i can start over fresh.

4:09am: im sorry to eveyone ive been ignoring or just plain out standing up. i need my own tiem and space right now. i am goign through somehting really tpugh, anmd to be able to trust people i am goign to have ot learn to trust myself first. i am so very sorry. please give me this time thta i am needed to deal with what is going on inside of me. i have lost myself and it is now time for me to find myself. once again i am so sorry my deepest apologies.

3:16pm:

i was watching a movie last night before bed and it reminded me to be happy. so now i will try to be happy no matter what the situation is, good or bad. i dont liek being negitive.

also, i have been goign to the gym almost everyday and i am doing so good, i have lost 4 pounds already, whoooo goo me!!!

i pushed back my shoot for about amonth or so . i really need ot get into shape before this.

anyone want to donate a few bucks(ll even accept change) to get my next tattoo. i havent gotten a tattoo in over a year and my stars are boreing me now, i need my bat. so if you could help in anyway possible it would be greatly appreciated.i iwll show boobs if neccessary.

 

i am in the user pictures ahah

1:23pm: did i ever tell you that i hate being a girl? well if i didnt i am now. its so gross and discusting and your whole body hurts for 5 days staright. not cool. and it sucks because you cant do anything active unless you have a super absorbent tampon in and that just feels liek a dildo is stuck up there. sucks.

my dog woulnt stop barking and my gerbil was found climbing on the top of her cage last night by me. she was hanging upsidedown climbing for bar to bar, it was soooo weird, i think she's half monkey.

i need to do wash i have no clothes, i have been wearing dirty clothes for the past few days.

9:51am: whoooooooo!! no work today!! which means i can go to the gym! i am so excited for some reason.

yesterday i fell asleep at 5isha dn woke up at 930, ate took a shower then went out, got home around 3 and fell asleep and i just woke up. so i have slept soo much in the past 24 hours.

tonight is the show at grandslam, templeton, breakaway and some other people that i really dont care about, but everyone should go and support them.

scarlet is nocternal. i dont care what petsmart says, it is most active during the night and last night i waanted to shoot it. at 5 in the morninging it decided it wanted to do alittle excersizing and got on the wheel. then it wnated to eat so it started knawling at the cage sides and scarcthing everything possible. i gave her tag from a shirt and put a towel over her cage. i couldnt stand it anymore.

myjaw is killing me, i hate teeth.

7:51am: today i am going to ;lie and try to get out of work early, my molar/wisdom teeth have been bothering me the past few days and i can hardly chew let alone talk to darrel the whole day. so i am going to lie and tell them i have a dentists appt. at 230 so i can get out at 2 instead of staying at 4, i am also going to say i have a dentisit appt tommorrow and they are going to take my teeth out so its a bit more beliveable. im just so tired and sore from the gym and stuff that i dont feel like dealing with idiots all day long.

i am so in love with my camera, it is the best present ever along with my ipod., it takes incredible pictures i just have to load them to my computer but i am waaaaaay too lazy.

me and katie went out yesterday, we had so much fun. we make fun of people like its our job.and its never boring when were together. this needs to happen more often then once a month.

11:14pm: Pretty girls don't just
grow on trees like money.
You have to kiss them,
+ read them stories to fall asleep to;
let them know you would
nvr ever count their age
by their rings
or wrinkles.
Smile, especially if their hair
looks like a dust bunnie.


We don't have time
For your silly little games.
We may laugh + smile,
but we really don't care.
All that is on our minds
consists of interlocking
lips,
hands,
+ toes.
But ...
We <3 you, +
thank you -
for <3ing us, too.

10:45pm: i took out my septum ring, it didnt go with my face anymore, it looked to harsh.

i think im going to push my photo shoot back liek a month, im not comfortable enough with my body to go naked, i need ot loose 10-15 pounds. anyone know of any good excersizes that make you loose weight and rid you of your stomach fat??? it would help a ton.

2:20am:

new years was good, all thanks to seeing him <3

 

 

( nypictures, only a few )

9:07pm:

so its new years eveand imat home,alone. my boyfriend is redcording and all of my "friends" are already out. shaun doesnt know when he'll be done at the studio so it looks like im stuck home all alone on new years. no biggy its happened almost every year, none of my new years have been good. last year i spent it at a strangers house while my ex got sick so i was miserable. the eyar before i spent it watching sex and the city reruns,just a few examples.im horny, tired, and depressed. fuck am i ever happy? it seems that im always sadbut im really not. the times that im sad is when i write in this so dont think im gonna go kill myself. im gonna take a buble bath and eat the most fattening thing i can find, for at 12 tonight i am going to limit myself to minimal calories and fat .

my new years resolution is to get down to 110. thats 15 pounds, i think i can do this. this year i want to get into modeling, i want to get onto sicide girls and i want to be discovered. i also want me and shaunto have an incredible year. thats all i ask of this year, oh and health id ont want to be sick anymore.

ive been lookign at new hair for liek an hour now and i found exactly what i want...

edit: i did ge to see shaun at midnight. i have the cutest picture of me and him kisisng, it will now be my favorite picture

10:06am: im really happy for shaun, finally what he wantds in life has come around. i hope it all goes well.

my family doesnt know i exsist, i know this sounds stupid and childish but my whole family is going to finding nemo on ice. my mom asked my borhter yesterday if he wanted to go, she never asked me. we went to the movies last night, and spent at least 5 hours together and she said she forgot until she got home and i went out after the movie so i wasnt home for her to ask me. i have a cell phone plus i didnt get home late. i didnt find out about all this until i just went downstairs to ask my brother what hes doing today. my mom doesnt care about me whatsoever. she figured i was working and i didnt want anythign to do with the family, when i was the one that asked her if she wanted to go to the movie and dinner. so now i dont know if i want to go or not, since they "forgot" to ask me, maybe ill forget to go.

i have to dye my hair today, its getting ridiculous.

my shoot for burning angel is on the 15th, im excited. every join it so they can see me naked.

5:04pm: i finally got up off of my fat ass and went to the gym today, i know im going t be sore tommorrow, im just glad im done school so now i can go. i cleaned my room, its pretty damn clean to my standards, i have ot scrub the carpet beaus emy dog pisses all over it. i am going to petsmart and getting new fish and new gerbils ina bit, i jsut have ot at least put pants on.

my bed is the most comfyest bed ever. i dont ever want to leave it.

9:53pm: things i got for xmas

the star fossil watch i wanted
posters
gift cards
my digital camera ive been wanting for 2 years and y mom got an aweosme deal on it!
the new ipod that you can put pictures on
portablke dvd player
lots and lots of dvd's
clothes/underwear
mini polaroid pocket size camera
film
cappucinno maker
photo albums
and other random things

me and my borhter got each other the same exact thing.


this christmas has surpassed any other in history, this was deifnitly the best christmas i have ever had. <3 thank you so much, you lived up to your word.

12:53am:

no one appreciates me anymore, i do so much for everyone around me and i dont even get thank yous. i hate my job, i do more work then the managers, the give me the same responsiblitlies as a manager would have but without the actual title and money. i still get paid shit and ive been working there for 2 years. waitressing here i come.

i broke down and cryed again tonight. there is a lot fo shit goign on inside of my head that i cant stop. its strating to get really out of hand. things that are bothering me:

1.when i look into the mirror i see myself as fat, i hate my legs and my stomach, when i walk they jiggle like jello, it discusts me.but shaun insists that i am relaly nto liek that. i dont know who to belive...my own mind or him. i try not to see that but i cant, it is glued there. i think i have a real mental problem. i know what im about to type should be private but right nwo i feel it is right to say it. i dont want to be judged or this brought up if i see you, i am sayoing this just so other that are like me are not mbarressed about there problem anymore and they can try to get help as i did.( please do not read this if you are oging to jugde me or think that i am an idiot, this is a real problem and it ca happen to anyone. whihc is the reason why i am putting this here )

2. my mom, i cant take her anymore. she puts me down so much, and tells me that my dreams are stupid and not woth goign for, she says that i will not be anything if i follow them. i dont know what to do.

3.work sucks

4.my lack of interest in school this semester is worrying me about my grades im just hopeing i did allright

5. lack of money, and the money that i owe to credit card company, claire, matt,bob,and jes.

1:40am:

all i have to say is that i am more happy now then i have ever been.

all i want for christmas is him <3

 

 

nyc <3

3:10pm:  new bling

5:12pm: its official! i am now a burning angel. i was accepted by the owner(which is a total babe)and i think we're gonna start shooting after xmas. im so excited.

1:02am: i was extremly depressed today. i just felt so alone and unwanted. i don't fit in at work anymore, people don't like me there anymore. the only people that like me are the 50 year old stalkers i some how acumulate.i cried so much today for no reason at all. i didnt get to see anone,and i mean anyone, i didint even see my mom until around 12 tonight.i dont like being alone, i think bad things when im alone.

i keep listening to the no hollywood ending song and its making me feel even more shitty. the whole song is about cutting and dieing.it reminds me of frankie formt he real world.what ever did happen to cutting? when was it not cool to do self mutilation? stupid fucking trends.

i know im really hard on myself and i take on way too much that i can handle, i wihs i knew of a way to handle things without becoming overwhelmed and panicing. for some reasonw hile i was shopping(alone) tongiht my heart started to hurt, it felt really tight and i could hardly breath. i wish i knew what was bothering me.

im pretty content right now though. why do i have such mood swings?

a photographer from buring angel says he can get me on the site, how aweosme is that?


edit: i feel 100% better. i think i just needed sleep.

10:36pm: i know this sounds like im sick in the head but i want to be extremly thin, liek not to the point that all of my bones stick out but i want to be model thin, i hatemy legs and my stomach. i am going ot start going to the gym again tommorrow after class.please dont think that i have a problem and tell me to not think im fat. i dont htink im fat, i just think that i can stand to loose a little more weight.

people need to stop tryign to be like me, its starting to get annoying.

1:10am:

i got my hips peirced

 

i was also given this doll, they said it looked liek me...and it actually does in person

 

1:38am: i am really starting to miss not haveing a best friend, well besides shaun. i need someone that loves to shop and woulnt mind being dragged around wiht me when i need to shop everyday.

my mom still isnt home, i hate being hoem alone, my house is too big and scary for me to be here with noone else. she just called she just left delaware so i still have a while, maybe ill just lock myself in my room and fall asleep.

12:00am: finally an update form me. on friday night i had my bday party, all of my family came over, i actualy had a great ime. i went to the strip club later on that night with shauna nd everyone else. i went upon stage with chelsie and the stripper put a fake cock in my pants, i had to hump her with it on, then she pretended to jerk me off/blow job and i had to fake orgasm, i was awesome. then i got a lap dance and a couch dance, the couch dance was hot, there is a picture of shaun, me and the stripper topless.

this semester is almost over

johnny depp is on tv, all i need is shaun to be next to me and im the hapiest girl alive.

2:06am: happy birthday to me!!! =)

11:40pm: i spent the entire day with shaun, and it was amazing. nothing is better then wakeing up to someone banging on your door and then laying next to you.

i bought my giant 6 ft jack skellington today, its soo awesome, im gonna lay it in bed with me for those cold lonley winter nights.well not really.

tomrrow is my party, lots of money and some presents, im excited. i picked out my cake, orange chresickle. i cant wait to get fat from it.